Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
There are many relationships in life we will need to navigate. Some will be more difficult than others. These relationships could include those within our own families, friends, neighbors and coworkers to name a few. There will be both personal and professional relationships. So what do we do when relationships become toxic? How do we even know if a relationship is toxic or worth salvaging? Positive Psychology explains that setting healthy boundaries is an essential skill we need to have because healthy boundaries create healthy relationships (positivepsychology.com, 2018). So how do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Let’s break down the signs and effects of toxic relationships and how to set healthy boundaries to avoid destructive behavior in our current and future relationships.
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
The first step before creating healthy boundaries is to know if the relationship is toxic. Harvard Health identifies these warning signs in stress inducing relationships: feeling burned out after interactions, having negative feelings about the relationship, feeling imbalanced that you are giving more than the other person and feeling you are not valued (health.harvard.edu, 2021). Science of Mind outlines some red flags that a relationship may be toxic if it contains, “excessive jealousy, dishonesty, disrespect, criticism, conflict or manipulation” (scienceofmind.org, 2023). Does this feel like some of your current relationships? The Gottman Institute also warns of the Four Horsemen in unhealthy relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (Gottman.com, 2024). The Four Horsemen is a metaphor used by the Gottman institute, inspired by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, to predict the potential demise of a relationship.
How do toxic relationships affect us?
Unfortunately, toxic and stress inducing relationships can have a severe, negative impact on our physical and mental health. Science of Minds states that, “People who are in a toxic relationship will have drastically elevated rates of depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD and suicide attempts.” Other symptoms of a toxic relationship include: sleep disruption, digestive issues, aches and pains, frequent illness, weight changes, hopelessness, anxiety and low motivation (scienceofmind.org, 2023). There may also be feelings of resentment, guilt and exhaustion (positivepsychology.com, 2018).
How do we set healthy boundaries and avoid toxic relationships?
When you see the signs and feel the symptoms of a toxic relationship it is essential to set healthy boundaries. Here are four crucial steps in setting boundaries in our relationships:
- Understand your own limits.
- Define what boundary you need to yourself.
- Communicate that boundary clearly, keep the explanation simple and let the person know why it’s important to you.
- Hold your boundary.
These steps can be used to set boundaries in all areas of your life, whether that be familial or business relationships. Remember, you may also need to create distance to be safe after setting a boundary (health.harvard.edu, 2021). When setting boundaries, it helps to be self-aware, have open communication and be assertive. You might feel discomfort or guilt for setting boundaries and you may have to communicate your boundaries more than once. (positivepsychology.com, 2018).
If you’re struggling with boundaries in your life, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists to set up an appointment today. Having someone guide you through the process can help alleviate the initial discomfort that naturally comes along with boundary setting.
Sources
- Fostering healthy relationships – Harvard Health
- How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships
- How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Mental Health – Science of mind
- The Gottman Four Horsemen
- A great related article to help set and maintain boundaries:
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